Often times we find ourselves agreeing to do something, sure we are clear about the agreement, sure that the other person has the same understanding of the agreement—but then how come there can be such misunderstandings that leave us so perplexed?  “I don’t want you home late tonight” can mean one thing for a parent (e.g., 10:00 pm) and another for an adolescent (e.g., midnight).  Clean the kitchen may mean one thing for a parent (clean and put away the dishes, clean the counter, sweep the floor) and another thing for your adolescent (put the dishes in the sink).

To teach your teenager about agreements and the need for them to insure their own clarity and that they and the other are agreeing to the same thing, you can do the following exercise:

Imagine I am asking you to go to the store and I say, “Go get me some milk.”  You have come back from the store with the milk.  I ask you “what kind of milk did you get and you say, 2%, and I tell you “but I wanted whole milk.”  So, you go back to the store and come back with whole milk.  I ask you, “What size is the container” and you say it’s a quart and I tell you, “But I wanted a half-gallon.”   How are you feeling right now and what are you thinking?   Usually, your teen is going to say, “I’m mad at you because you keep sending me back to the store; why don’t you make up your mind; it’s your fault for not being clear, so you go to the store. You don’t’ appreciate anything I do.”  Etc., etc., etc.

Here is the teaching point:  Yes, I could have been more clear, not only as your parent, but yes, I could have been clearer if I were your teacher, your employer or your friend.  But I wasn’t and any frustration I have teaches me that I need to be specific in my request.  AND, whether or not I am it is equally important that you are clear about what you are agreeing to…if you are not then you are the one who is responsible for the frustration you are experiencing.  It doesn’t take me off the hook but it doesn’t take you off the hook either.  So, in any agreement, make sure that: 1) you are clear about the who, what, when and how and 2) say it back to the person to make sure that they have the same understanding you do.