{"id":268,"date":"2013-11-12T12:23:21","date_gmt":"2013-11-12T12:23:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.joycejuster.com\/thoughts\/?p=268"},"modified":"2013-11-25T01:21:24","modified_gmt":"2013-11-25T01:21:24","slug":"boundaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.joycejuster.com\/thoughts\/?p=268","title":{"rendered":"Boundaries"},"content":{"rendered":"

We hear the phrase \u201cset your boundaries\u201d quite often and I\u2019m never really sure what someone means by that.\u00a0 Perhaps it\u2019s something like, \u201cThis is what I will do and this is what I won\u2019t do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Boundaries\" And what if we don\u2019t \u201cset our boundaries?\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s so bad that could happen? Plenty, though at first pretty subtle.\u00a0 No, I take that back.\u00a0 It\u2019s not subtle but by our denial and minimization (two handy dandy feats of our mind) we can push any consequence to the nether regions and go about our merry seemingly not bothered at all.\u00a0 Then, somewhere in the future, POW, we explode, we\u2019re angry, we\u2019re resentful, we\u2019re depressed, we\u2019re jealous.\u00a0 What the heck?\u00a0 Where did that <\/i>come from?\u00a0 It was there all along but we snubbed and ignored these inevitable experiences that come from not <\/i>honoring our boundaries.<\/p>\n

Any way we cannot be honest and get away with it and live a great life filled with vitality and zest and daringness and health?\u00a0 Nope.\u00a0 Why not?\u00a0 Cuz that just isn\u2019t life\u2019s design. Kind of like asking, \u201cHow come if I am on the ice rink with tennis shoes I keep slipping?\u201d\u00a0 Or, \u201cHow come if I am wearing hockey skates on a \u00a0basketball court\u00a0 I keep losing the game?\u201d<\/p>\n

Think of boundaries as fences that define where your property ends and another\u2019s begins.\u00a0 Boundaries, fences, keep what is unwanted out.\u00a0 That\u2019s all well and good.\u00a0 But fences can also keep us pent up and disconnected from others.\u00a0 What if there is something we need? What if there is something we want to give to another (be it a material gift or a gift of loving support?).\u00a0 For that we need our fences need a gate.\u00a0 We need a gate in our fence that allows us to go out, allows another to come in, and allows us to give and to receive. The gate must swing both ways and<\/i> it must be overseen by our God-given intelligence. Each of us is given an innate sense that gives us an inner knowing of when to open it to others to come in; when to open it so when we are in need we may go to others; when to keep it closed so we do not bring harm to ourselves; when to open the gate to escort out those who bring us harm.<\/p>\n

Joyce L. Juster, M.A., LP 02\/02\/12\u00a0 (Adapted from Boundries<\/i>, by McCloud and Townsend)<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0<\/b>Examples of Fences, Boundaries<\/b><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a01.\u00a0Words<\/b>
\nThe most basic boundary setting word is no. <\/i>It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you.\u00a0 Being clear about your no\u2014and your yes\u2014is fundamental to living a good life.\u00a0 Your words also define your property for others as you communicate your feelings, intentions, or dislikes. \u2018I like this and I hate that.\u2019\u00a0 Or, \u2018I will do this, and I will not do that.\u2019\u201d<\/b>
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a02.\u00a0Truth<\/b>
\nMany people live scattered and tumultuous lives trying to live outside of their own boundaries, not accepting and expressing the truth of who they are. Honesty about who you are sustains you and nurtures your integrity, your sense of oneness with yourself.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a03.\u00a0\u00a0Geographical Distance<\/b>
\nSometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help you replenish yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, after you have given to your limit.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a04.\u00a0\u00a0Time<\/b>
\nTaking time off from a person, or a project, can be a way of regaining ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a05.\u00a0\u00a0Emotional Distance<\/b>
\nEmotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe; it is never a permanent way of living.\u00a0 People who have been in abusive relationship need to find a safe place to begin to \u201cthaw out\u201d emotionally.\u201d
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a06.\u00a0\u00a0Other People<\/b>
\nPeople subject to another person\u2019s addictions, control, or abuse are finding that after years and years of \u201cloving too much they can find the ability to create boundaries only through a support group.\u00a0 Their support system is giving them the strength to say \u201cno\u201d to abuse and control for the first time in their lives.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a07.\u00a0\u00a0Consequences<\/b>
\nConsequences give some good \u201cbarbs\u201d to fences.\u00a0 The let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves.\u00a0 This teaches them that our commitment to living according to helpful values is something we hold dear and will fight to protect and guard.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s Within My Boundaries?<\/b>\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a01.\u00a0\u00a0Feelings<\/b>
\nFeelings play an enormous role in our motivation and behavior.\u00a0 It is important to know your feelings, own your feelings, and be aware of your feelings.\u00a0 They should not be ignored; however, they should not be placed in charge.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a02.\u00a0Attitudes and Beliefs<\/b>
\nAttitudes have to do with your orientation toward something, the stance you take toward others: God, life, work, and relationships.\u00a0 Beliefs are anything that you accept as true.\u00a0 We need to own<\/i> our attitudes and convictions because they fall within our property line.\u00a0 We are the ones who feel their effect and<\/i> the only ones who can change them.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a03.\u00a0\u00a0Behaviors<\/b>
\nBehaviors have consequences.\u00a0 We do indeed reap what we sow.\u00a0 To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a04.\u00a0\u00a0Choices<\/b>
\nYou are the one who makes your choices.\u00a0 You are the one who must live with their consequences.\u00a0 And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a05.\u00a0\u00a0Values<\/b>
\nWhat we value is what we love and assign importance to.\u00a0 When we take responsibility for out-of-control behavior caused by loving the wrong things or valuing things that have no lasting value, when we confess that we have a heart that values things that will not satisfy, we can begin to create with a new heart.\u00a0 Boundaries help us not to deny but to own our old hurtful values and in doing so we can learn to make other choices that express and reflect who we really are.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a06.\u00a0\u00a0Limits<\/b>
\nTwo aspects of limits stand out when it comes to creating better boundaries.\u00a0 The first is setting limits on others<\/i>.\u00a0 In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer.\u00a0 We can\u2019t do that.\u00a0 What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can\u2019t change them or make them behavior right.\u00a0 The other aspect is setting our own internal limits<\/i>. We need to have spaces inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire, without acting it out.\u00a0 We need self-control without repression. <\/i>We need to be able to say no to ourselves.\u00a0 This includes both our destructive desires and some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a07.\u00a0\u00a0Talents<\/b>
\nWe are accountable when we are exercising our gifts and being productive.\u00a0 It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources, and grace to overcome the fear of failure.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a08.\u00a0\u00a0Thoughts<\/b>
\nEstablishing boundaries to thinking involves three things:<\/p>\n